Monday

Today was my last full day of official maternity leave. 

I can barely write that without tears welling up. 

On Monday, I will go back to work part time for the next four weeks and then full time after that. The idea is to transition the L.J. and G.G. back into my full time working schedule, but the reality is, I need the time to transition probably more than they do. 

When I dropped L.J. off at daycare, he was just 12 weeks old and I had met his caregivers just once before for about 30 seconds on a walk-through of the center. I barely held it together at work that day and literally ran back to the daycare that evening to get him. When I got there, he was the last baby to be picked up and was sitting in a swing crying so hard that he was almost hyperventilating. He had slept for 1/2  hour total that day and had barely eaten. As soon as I picked him up out of the swing, he instantly fell asleep. I was furious and frustrated and, of course, I cried the entire night. I couldn’t imagine going through that day after day. That memory is so vivid in my mind and every time I look back I cringe with guilt. He was so little and I felt so bad for leaving him with a group of people that didn’t love him as much as I did.

But it didn’t take long for us to get into a routine and when L.J. officially left that daycare when he was 2 years old, he was thriving! He had his little best friends, his favorite teachers... one even referred to herself as L.J.‘s “mamma”... I hated that... But I loved that she cared for him so much that she gave herself that sacred nickname. There were even days that he was crying when I came to pick him up because he didn’t want to leave. 

I would love for the opportunity to be able to stay home full time with my kids one day, but that’s just not the stage in life that we are in as a family. Being home with them for the past 12 weeks has been the most demanding job I’ve ever had and if I am going to be completely honest, I am happy to be getting back into a routine that I actually recognize. I like my career, but I love my children more. And I am looking forward to learning how the balance the two for a while. I’m not sure how to explain it other than that. It’s the yin and yang of being a working mom I guess.

This coming Monday I am blessed to be able to leave L.J. and G.G. with people that love them just as much as I do and that calms my heart a little. These kids have an army of family -near and far- loving on them and helping Tom and I to raise them. Their Aunt is even flying in for a visit next month and will take a day or two watching them while we are at work. I know without a doubt those days are going to be a cherished memory for L.J.! 

This week I figured it was time to try and figure out G.G.’s schedule and write it down. I really have no idea what her schedule is...I know the girl like the back of my hand, but it’s too hard to explain to anyone else what her “annoyed” cry sounds like vs. her “hungry” cry...  So I decided to try and take a picture every hour one day to have a visual reference for what we were doing at that moment in the hopes that maybe I could piece something together. Below is that little photo journal... Ultimately it was no help at all to figuring out her schedule, but it was fun to do!

So on Monday morning I will set my alarm and wake up soon after I've just fed G.G. for the second time that night. I will also cuddle with her in bed a little longer than I should and will ultimately be late my first day back to work. But it will be totally worth it... and the start of our new routine.